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For many parents and children this week may have had the familiar pang of those early Covid lockdown weeks. Unexpected news throwing the next few weeks (and maybe months) into disarray and dismay for many families. If you found home schooling and the Covid lockdown difficult – you may have found the news reports on the school concrete crisis surprisingly triggering – even if this crisis isn’t directly impacting on you. So, why is this so hard and what can we do as parents to protect our children from a disrupted start to the term? Just like Covid, safety is a key concern leading to the closure and partial closure of schools during the school concrete crisis. Naturally, this is a new anxiety that parents and children have not had to consider before: “Could my child be hurt by falling debris at school today?“ In a world of constant focus on the negative possibilities we find ourselves again in the hands of others to ensure that the risks and measures to mitigate against them are proportionate to the situation. It can’t be easy as government ministers and school leaders grapple between the risks of disrupting children’s learning and wellbeing versus their physical safety. A familiar dilemma during the pandemic. However, unlike when they made the Covid decisions, they now know the cost to children when their education is interfered with, as seen in the significant increase in youth mental health difficulties, school absenteeism and challenges in learning post Covid. Schools, services, parents and our children are still experiencing the fallout. Add to this the exhaustion that parents and school staff are feeling because of the increase in pressure on them to contain the additional needs of young people as well as manage the extra challenges they are facing in their daily lives (like the cost of living) – and you get a perfect storm for increased stress and challenges with mental health – for adults and young people alike. So, how can we protect ourselves and our young people as we continue to navigate the rollercoaster of uncertainties in this modern world? Firstly, it’s important to understand that as human’s our natural tendency is to focus on the negative, especially if we are already feeling stressed and overwhelmed. This can be as simple as what we pay attention to in the news as well as the words we hear and focus on in our own mind. These worries can often get stuck on a loop (rumination), trigger our stress response and leave us feeling distressed. Meaning worry can consume our energy at a time we need our energy to deal with difficulties and be available to our children. This becomes even more of a challenge if our fears and anxieties are not proportionate to the likelihood of the thing we are worrying about happening. If you are finding yourself worrying about things that you can do something about, try to step away from worry towards problem solving with these simple steps: Notice the worry (sometimes worry becomes so automatic for us we don’t even realise we are doing it!) Ask yourself “What am I worrying about?” The details are important. For example, if you are worried about school not starting this week as planned distinguish between childcare and work pressure worries and worries about the impact on your child’s learning? Write them down. This helps things feel more manageable and immediately soothes the brain. Quantifying worry makes it feel less overwhelming. What action could you take to resolve some of these problems. Write down lots of ideas. Consider What? When? How? Be realistic about barriers. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from others if you need it. Consider what can I do right now to address these concerns – complete these tasks. Consider what can I later. Write down your plan. Next time the worry crops up – remind yourself you have a plan, the worry has done its job of helping you to take action, so you can let worry go. There will be many things that you are worrying about where you may not have any influence or control over the outcome (like whether your child’s school will open or close unexpectedly). Simply trying to block these worries or unhelpful thoughts does not help. Often talking them through with a trusted other can help put them in perspective. We may be having a disproportionate worry about a very unlikely event. We can therefore let it go and change the focus of our attention onto something else – often just moving our bodies and doing something grounding and physical can help our bodies and minds feel more settled. It maybe that our anxieties are well founded and the difficult feelings we are experiencing are justified and important. They often reflect concerns we have because our values, what is important to us, are in jeopardy. So, for example, hearing my child’s school may be shut can immediately make me feel sad for my child that their first day in their new school is not going to be what they had planned for, that they will miss out on learning with their classmates and will struggle to engage with online learning which could impact on their future. Feeling sad, even angry about this, is warranted. However, it is what we do with the sadness and anger that is important. Do I use it to find ways to move towards what is important to me (talk to my child about their disappointment in a balanced and validating way, help them think about ways they can connect with their friends or other important people so they don’t feel isolated) or away from what is important to me (spiral into a place of helpless frustration, push others away, become focused on self-criticism and fears that I cannot cope with giving my child what they need, blame others). As our feelings spiral it's important to remember that this crisis is different to Covid. A lockdown for our children meant no physical contact with the outside world. The current crisis means an impact on schooling for some children, but young people are still free to meet up with friends and family and take part in all the activities they usually enjoy. If your child is having to do online schooling, find ways to help them engage with friends and activities in person so they are reminded that this is not the same as lockdown. For most of us our work was also impacted during Covid and although that meant it was easier to stay at home and look after our children, it also meant a lot of people were dealing with loss of income and fears of redundancy. Although some people’s work is less accommodating many employers are familiar with supporting working from home, so likely to be flexible during these unexpected changes. Family and friends are also more able to help out, in a way they were unable to during lockdown if working from home is not an option for you. This time will pass. We now know that as difficult as these things can feel at the time, they pass, and things go back to normality. Explore with yourself and your children the important things you learned about during the lockdown, the strengths and resilience you showed despite how hard it was, so that you can remind each other how courageous we can be in the face of challenges. Often our availability as parents is highest on our children’s priority list, so spending small bits of quality time together (even if it is just a walk or 20-minutes watching your child’s favourite TV show together) can make a huge difference. Look after yourself and each other. Additional disruption and increased stressors, mean that we need to give ourselves and each other more time to do activities that help us de-stress and stay connected with others. The world is becoming increasingly focused on unrealistic expectations of how we can keep performing despite the challenges we face. It can also be a brutal and critical place where blame is banded around with little consideration on the impact of a person’s limitations as a human being. The challenges we are all facing are complex without easy answers. Let’s honour that complexity and work together to support each other and our children as we face the next few weeks and beyond.

The new term can bring challenges for kids and teens, so discover how you can help with this back to school mental health toolkit from psychologist and child behavioural expert Dr Beth Mosley. The kids are back to school this week and if your mornings are once again a flurry of lunch boxes, uniforms and unwashed PE kits, you certainly won’t be alone. But amid all the hubbub, the end of the summer hols and the start of a new school year can be a tough time for children of all ages. “When kids go back to school they face lots of change – new teachers or a new class, for example,” says Dr Beth Mosley, a clinical psychologist and child behavioural expert with more than 20 years of experience working with families and young people. “They have to deal with things outside of their control. This is difficult for everyone, but for children in particular, and can lead to stress, anxiety and sadness – the back to school blues, in other words.” School can bring certain pressures. “There’s academic pressure to do well and get good grades, which can be hard for those who struggle with learning. Then peer pressure can be tough too. “It’s complicated juggling so many relationships with classmates, friends and perhaps others who aren’t very nice to them,” says Dr Mosley. There are more instances of school stress in youngsters after the pandemic. “Many kids are playing catch-up, having missed out on normality during lockdown, be that in academic learning or social skills,” says Dr Mosley. Here, she shares the most common issues going back to school can bring – and the mental health toolkit to help your child through it. Social Anxiety There are challenges to being in a peer group. As a parent your job is to help your child build the skills and confidence they need to be friends with other children. The best way to do this is to get inside your child’s world. Acknowledge they may socialise online too, and that’s OK. Don’t dismiss social media, but ask them about group chats and posts – who are they talking to, if they are happy with what is being said, if they feel included or excluded. Remove judgment and be curious. They’ll be more likely to talk to you about any issues. Primary kids: Speak to the school. Ask to buddy them up with another child, or enlist the teacher to help them build social skills. Organise play dates at home too. Secondary kids: Be present and available to take them to social events. Be willing to have their friends over too. Academic Confidence Children all have different strengths and weaknesses but often we focus on the things they’re not so good at, expending energy on trying to sort them out. However, when you have a child who’s struggling with something – maths, for example – they may be brilliant at something else, such as building a BMX track or relating to other people. Remind your child of their strengths. If you find your child struggles academically, of course you’ll want the school to provide the support they need – but make sure they do lots of the things they do well too, like sport or drama. Encouraging other elements of their skill set, and the things they enjoy, will naturally build their confidence. Primary: Younger children can have sensory overload. Try dealing with whatever they are struggling with away from the bustle of school, in the calm of home. Secondary: Sport can help children learn that practice, taking risks, and even failure are all fine and just a natural part of life. Bullying Having a sense of belonging is key to good self-esteem. Bullying and discrimination can have a big impact on a young person’s mental health. Most schools have a zero tolerance policy on bullying. Don’t be afraid to talk to them so things are put in place to ensure it doesn’t continue. These days, online bullying makes the issue more complex. What we know, however, is that if your child is being bullied online they’re probably being bullied in real life too. And vice versa. Firstly, young people need to hear that feeling upset is a very natural response to being bullied. Be sympathetic, then help them understand that not all friendships will be like this. Being bullied can make a child fearful of making new relationships, in case the same thing happens again. But the key to feeling better is to find other opportunities to engage in positive relationships. Help your child work out who the safest children are to build these relationships with. Primary: Chat to other parents in the playground and organise playdates. Secondary: Help your child take part in activities where they might find others with similar interests outside, as well as inside, school. Separation Going back to school means being away from family, and this can be hard. So agree something you and your child will do together when they get home from school in those first few weeks. Try to be more available on those evenings so they feel like they’ve still got a bit of you. Keep it simple – watch TV or play a game. All they want is your undivided attention. Primary: Make something together, be it a block tower, biscuits or dinner. Secondary: Watch their favourite TV show with them and show an interest in what’s going on. Grab some popcorn and spend time together. Sleep It can be a challenge to get back into a sleep pattern, but not doing so can mean a tired first few weeks, which has a massive impact on children’s ability to cope with stress. If they're going to bed at 10pm, they won’t suddenly fall asleep at 8pm, so try bringing bedtime forward in small increments, getting them to bed 15minutes earlier each evening until they’re back in a reasonable routine. Primary: Put yourself back in charge of bedtime. Make it nice with bubble baths, stories and cuddles. Secondary: Talk to your adolescent about creating their own bedtime routine – what would they like to include? This could be a new book or a pillow spray. Reduce screen time after dinner to help them wind down. Article written by Hannah Britt Published by Mirror

Psychologist Dr Beth Mosley tells Lisa Salmon how better communication, tackling negative thoughts and improving rewards can lift a teenager's mood. If there’s one thing associated with teenagers more than anything else, it’s moodiness. But although low mood is extremely common in teens, what’s just as common is that parents don’t know what to do about it. Adolescence is the highest risk period of life to experience depression, and half of adult mental health disorders start before the age of 15, says consultant clinical psychologist Dr Beth Mosley, who provides specialist mental health support to children and their families. “Seeing the signs of low mood in your teen can be worrying if you’re a parent,” she says. “The questions you may ask are likely to be, what are the usual highs and lows of adolescence, and what is something to worry about? Why might my teen be struggling with low mood, and most importantly, what can I do as a parent to help if my teen is feeling down and showing signs of disengaging with life?” Mosley, the author of new book, Happy Families, which is about the most common issues affecting children’s mental health and how parents can help, says although everyone will, at some point, experience low mood, sadness, irritability and loss of interest in things they enjoy, usually such feelings are linked to problems in life. But changes associated with puberty, and brain restructuring, mean adolescents are especially vulnerable to mental health problems, says Mosley, who explains: “These changes increase the possible impact of life stressors and, thus, their vulnerability to mental health difficulties. “The brain changes in adolescence mean teens feel emotions more intensely – both the highs and lows – meaning it’s not unusual to see them experiencing waves of low mood, particularly in the face of challenges.” She says if a teen’s low mood doesn’t go away, and prevents them doing the things they need to, like schoolwork and spending time with others, it would be wise to consider seeking help. The teen’s school may be able to suggest local support. But she adds: “Whether your teen experiences passing or more persistent low mood, the good news is that the brain is flexible and ripe for learning in adolescence, so there’s a lot we can do to support our teens when they’re experiencing low mood. “Importantly, this support will likely improve your relationship with your teen, and help protect them from developing mental health difficulties in adulthood.” If your teenager’s mood is low, these are the things Mosley says might help them… Encourage them to do what’s important to them When someone feels low, they tend to do less of what’s important to them, meaning they get less rewards from life and feel lower, Mosley explains. This is the low-mood cycle. Conversely, by doing more of what’s important to them regularly, they get more reward from life and start to feel better – this is the feel-good cycle, she says. So rather than a teen waiting until they feel better to do the things that are important to them, low-mood teens should do them now to break the low-mood cycle. “Determining what activities they can do more of and what unhelpful activities to do less is a key first step,” says Mosley. “You can support your child by providing more opportunities to do what’s important to them and increasing access to rewards. Give them practical support to do the activities they enjoy, provide encouragement.” Communicate better with them Mosley says that low mood can make it difficult for teens to communicate, but parents learning key communication skills can support how they communicate with their teens and, in turn, help improve their mood. She says being careful how you say things, through tone of voice and nonverbal body language, is important, as teens are more sensitive to criticism and negative social feedback. But there are six communication skills in particular that parents should try to use. They are… Picking the right time to have a conversation. “Open and honest conversations are most likely to happen when we’re feeling calm and not under pressure,” says Mosley, explaining that it’s important to be aware of when your teen isn’t in the right frame of mind for a difficult conversation, and to learn to respectfully pause the conversation and reschedule it for a better time. Starting a sentence with ‘I’ rather than ‘You’ can make a huge difference, explains Mosley, who says starting with ‘You’ often has a blaming tone and makes the teenager defensive and stops them from listening, whereas starting with ‘I’ can explain how you’re feeling, which can’t be disputed and starts a whole different conversation. Instead of over-generalising and using words like ‘always’ or ‘never’, Mosley says it’s much better for parents to be specific and provide an example of a recent event, rather than things that have happened over months or years. She says over-generalising is more likely to make teens feel awful, and less likely to spark a collaborative conversation. Imagining how a young person might feel in/about a certain situation can also help, she says. “Understanding someone else’s point of view, and expressing this to them, can make it easier to have a collaborative conversation and avoid an argument,” she explains. “When we’re particularly worried about our children, thinking about how they feel can sometimes help us connect with them.” If you go into a conversation with your child knowing what you want from it but being aware you might not get it, be prepared with some alternative solutions, Mosley advises. “Having a few solutions in your back pocket before you go into a discussion enables you to show you’re willing to compromise so you don’t get stuck in a stalemate situation,” she says. Although you may not initially get the response you hoped for from your child when you try a new way of communicating with them, it’s vital to persevere, stresses Mosley, who explains: “With these communication hacks we should begin to see communication with our children become healthier and more productive.” Tackle your negative thoughts and help your teenager do it too Mosley advises parents to reduce the habit of getting stuck in negative thinking by trying these tactics, which she suggests should be shared and modelled to teens. Remember it’s just a thought and it doesn’t mean it’s real. “Remind your teen that thoughts are not facts, they are ideas and they don’t predict the future,” says Mosley. Let negative thoughts come and go, rather than fixating on them and becoming overwhelmed, she advises, and take the power out of the thought by sharing it with others. “Getting another viewpoint can stop unhelpful thoughts growing in magnitude,” she says, and suggests parents provide opportunities for teens to share their thoughts with them, on car journeys and walks etc. As many young people get stuck on social media, dwelling on distressing thoughts, Mosley suggests: “Help your teen notice this cycle and learn the art of moving to another activity, even if it’s just moving to a different room or doing some physical activity.” She adds: “If your teen is feeling negative and self-critical, move away from nagging and towards helping them refocus their energy on something they enjoy and/or resolving the underlying problem.” Article written by Lisa Salmon Published by Independent

Dr Beth Mosley, author of Happy Families, on how to deal with your child's tantrums. NHS Consultant Clinical Psychologist Dr Beth Mosley's new book, Happy Families, takes an honest and accessible approach to children’s mental health, arming parents and carers with the tools they need to tackle a child's anxiety, low mood, difficult behaviours and tantrums. Here, she offers advice on how to deal with tantrums – and keep calm while doing it. My eldest son is now 18, but I can still remember the moments of complete meltdown as a child, throwing himself on the floor, having tantrums, crying, screaming, hitting out; me trying to work out the quickest way to get things back to normal and not erupt into a meltdown myself. Emotions are contagious! Younger children are less able to communicate their feelings with words; therefore, the clues to their emotions are often what they do with their bodies (their behaviour). Often these behaviours give us an insight into an underlying physical or emotional need (hungry, tired, sad, angry). In order to be effective these behaviours need to create an emotional response in us as parents and carers so we can respond and help meet the need (e.g. my child is crying because he has hurt himself so I will provide comfort and care). The challenge for any parent is that this emotional response (particularly to behaviours that seem disproportionate or make no sense – like tantrums) can make it hard to stay calm and may even trigger the equivalent of a tantrum in us. This is especially likely when we are tired, frustrated and juggling an array of demands. So, how can you help your child, and yourself? Some brain basics Clinical professor of psychiatry Dr Dan Siegel and paediatric and adolescent psychotherapist Dr Tina Payne Bryson talk about the brain being like a house, with an upstairs and a downstairs. The downstairs is where our emotions live. It is also the alarm system in our brain, detecting when things are unsafe (fight-flight). When we are born this part of the brain is well developed and works automatically. The upstairs is the thinking part of the brain, where language develops as well as our ability to organise ourselves, problem-solve and describe how we are feeling. The upstairs part of our brain takes about twenty-four years to develop! Our ability to use our feelings and thoughts to make sense of situations and decisions about what we do next is what sets us apart as humans. The strength of the connection between the downstairs and upstairs brain is critical to this ability. Imagine a staircase which connects the downstairs (emotional) brain and upstairs (thinking) brain. This staircase enables the emotional and thinking parts of the brain to share information. If the downstairs brain is getting over-excited or upset, the upstairs brain can work out what’s needed to resolve a problem, take action and signal to the downstairs brain to calm down. ‘As parents and carers, we play a key role in helping our children make the link between their feelings, their needs and how to use language to communicate.’ As parents and carers, we play a key role in supporting the development of this connection through helping our children make the link between their feelings, their needs and how to use language to communicate. When the downstairs emotional brain gets overly activated the upstairs brain disconnects from the downstairs brain (a term coined 'flipping the lid' by Siegel and Bryson). This is the brain's way of protecting us from danger. It prioritises acting quickly because it knows in a dangerous situation it needs to (e.g. to jump out of the way of a moving vehicle). In these moments the downstairs emotional brain takes over our bodies, meaning that we may behave in ways that protect us in a dangerous situation (shouting, crying, hitting out, running away), but could add to distress in a non-dangerous context. Importantly, the upstairs brain is offline at this time, meaning we can’t listen to logic or engage in problem solving. What does this mean for a tantrum? When our children are experiencing a tantrum their downstairs (emotional) brain has taken over and they need help from those around them to reconnect the upstairs (thinking) brain. This helps in the immediate moment of quickly calming our child, but also helps in the longer term, as it helps reinforce the staircase, so that our children’s brains get better at connecting their emotional and thinking brains (emotional regulation). How we make our children feel in these moments is going to be critical to how quickly their flipped lid (upstairs brain) settles back down to re-connect with their upstairs brain. How to deal with a tantrum: connection before correction Try these four simple steps next time your child, no matter what their age, has a meltdown: Notice Take a deep breath. What is happening for your child right now, from their perspective? What is happening for you right now? How are you feeling? Is your lid about to flip? What can you do to help yourself calm down (e.g. breathing deeply, moving to a quieter place, asking for help). Connect Stay calm. Keep your body language and facial expression relaxed and use your voice to show interest or care. Remember you’re trying to soothe the downstairs brain. Your child needs to understand they have got your attention. They are safe. Come down to your child’s level. Use physical touch if that is helpful for your child. Your child may need a reduction in sensory information to help them regulate (being in a quieter environment). Validate With curiosity, rather than judgement, try to put into simple calm words what your child might be feeling “You’re feeling angry because you can’t have the cake, I understand?” By naming what our children might be experiencing and showing we care we are helping them make the link between their feelings, their needs and their thoughts. We are helping them learn to put words to these experiences. It helps your child feel understood. It calms the downstairs brain: 'name it to tame it' (Siegel). Collaborate You will notice when your child’s lid is back on. They should be calmer and able to accept your care. You may notice they are listening to you. It is at this point you can now resolve the problem “Maybe you can have some cake, after dinner? Shall we go and see Grandma now?” For older children when you are in this zone you can come up with ideas together to help for the next time they feel overwhelmed: “Would it have helped if I had given you a few minutes on your own to calm down?” What’s realistic? You don’t have to use this approach all the time, just enough that your child can start developing the skills. If you imagine in these moments you are lending your child your upstairs (thinking) brain, to soothe and help their downstairs (emotional) brain feel safe and understood. Importantly, to do this, we need to find ways to look after ourselves as parents so that we can keep our own lids from flipping and unintentionally adding to the drama of the moment. Think of the things that help keep you calm and your resource bucket topped up. Be aware that certain things can increase the sensitivity of the downstairs brain to stress (for both you and your child) including: lack of sleep, hunger, feeling isolated, traumatic experiences, neurodevelopmental diversity. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from trusted others if you are having a challenging time. Feeling supported and cared for by others can help give you the resources to support your child when they need you the most. Published by Pan Macmillan Happy Families by Dr Beth Mosley MBE Happy Families takes an honest and accessible approach to children’s mental health, from ages four right up to twenty-one, arming parents and carers with the tools they need to tackle anxiety, low mood and difficult behaviours, as well as the hope and reassurance to actively make a change. With techniques based on cutting-edge science, evidence developed over twenty years of working in the NHS as well as her own experience as a mother of three, Dr Beth will help parents to make sense of what their child is going through – and show them how they help their children to survive and thrive. Buy the Book

Today is a big day for the book. Bluebird have just emailed to say it has jumped to Amazon number 1 for Hot New Releases! This is so unexpected with no promo yet! Early copies are out and some wonderful feedback coming in as well as requests for articles and podcasts! @annamathur very kindly reviewed on her Instagram story line yesterday - which was my first chance to see what the book looks like in print - as I haven't seen one yet! It looked great! And she described it beautifully. So proud! Also, so grateful as it meant some new followers on Instagram. I am new to social media and my presence is therefore low! I have a lot to learn in the coming weeks to help lift my profile and reach more parents interested in supporting their child's mental health. Time is the problem - juggling the NHS and these exciting new endeavours is a challenge. But both complement one another in many ways as so much of what I am doing in both areas helps build my motivation and enthusiasm to keep supporting others in whatever way I can. Finally, I have been delighted by the level of International interest. The Happy Families book is now to be published in eight different languages - with publishers in Europe, the middle and far East and the USA. It goes to show how across the world parents are so desperate to get accessible and relatable help to support their children. I am honoured to be able to provide it in this way. See 'Happy Families' on the book section of my website.

Our babies are born with an automatic regulation system that helps them survive. They cry, suck, breathe, blink, throw their arms and legs around, sleep and wake-up. As our children grow they begin to develop the ability to regulate themselves, both physically (e.g. being able to control when they go to the toilet) and emotionally (being able to feel and understand emotions whilst not always acting on them e.g. not hitting your brother when he has annoyed you). Essentially they go from auto-regulation to self-regulation. As co-pilot parents, our special task is to help our children develop these skills (both physical and emotional). We support them learning to sit up, crawl and walk. We help them learn to feed themselves, and later prepare their own food. We also help them learn to tolerate difficult feelings and express what their emotional needs might be (e.g. “I am feeling really sad because my hamster died, I need a cuddle”). Essentially, we are our children’s co-pilots. We co-regulate them to help them build the skills to self-regulate. We tend to do this naturally as parents. Think about your child wanting a toy in the toy shop they cannot have. You may distract them by moving them to something else. You may negotiate with them - “Oh this would make a lovely birthday present, shall we tell Grandma?” - or you might validate how your child is feeling, “Oh I can see how upset you are because you want the toy, but not today”. Here we are trying to down-regulate our child so their feelings don’t escalate into distress that becomes unmanageable. In other situations we might need to up-regulate our child and get them excited about something they do not want to do. Going to a play-date they are worried about or a first sleep-over. We are likely to talk in an excited voice and go through all the positives that might happen to excite or encourage our child to be more motivated to give it a go. All of these little interactions we have with our toddlers and children every day, our tone of voice, body language, the words we use, build up our children’s ability to link feelings, thoughts and actions; and as they grow and develop they are able to do this for themselves more and more. Sometimes as a parent we might not be the most helpful co-pilots. We might co-escalate instead of co-regulate. We may start shouting or get cross with our child for being distressed, “I can’t cope with this right now, you always do this at the worst possible time!” We might be pre-occupied or our own stress system might be triggered by our children’s distress and we find ourselves shutting down and not providing any response. Sometimes we might swing between the two, which can feel really confusing for others. Often our own experiences of being parented will be reflected in the way we co-regulate our children, or even other adults. Our child’s temperament might make it harder for us to be attuned with or responsive to them. My sons are very easy to co-regulate, they probably need up-regulating more than down-regulating and they seem to be easy to comfort. This suits my approach well. However, my daughter has a completely different way of communicating emotions. She tends to escalate her feelings very quickly and be less responsive to a calm approach. We therefore have more challenges together, because she often sees my response to her distress as not being big enough; she sees my calmness as me not caring. Many time over the years I have ended up finding myself failing at being a good co-pilot as I have become as distraught as her as things escalate between us. I have learned that I have to pay more obvious active attention to her when she is distressed, and then really explain out loud what is happening and how I care, so she understands that I am seeing her and not ignoring her pain. I am just trying not to escalate it. Our children will rely on other people in their lives to help them learn these skills through co-regulation, grandparents, older siblings, school staff, friends. Indeed, even as adults we are likely to rely on others at times to help us co-regulate. Some people might be better at it than others. We might have relationships which we turn to when we are distressed because we know in that moment that person will help us co-regulate; they will give us space, connect with us, validate our feelings and help us feel understood. We may find our children even do this for us. When I am openly distressed quite often it is my daughter who is most responsive. She might put the kettle on and make me a cup of tea. A gesture of her caring and wanting to help. It might be your partner or friend. Whoever it is you will recognise that moment when someone has helped co-regulate you, rather than adding to or diminishing your distress. Reflection Think of yourself as a co-pilot, supporting your child with their daily tasks and feelings. What kind of co-pilot are you? Do you tend to take over and get the task done? Do you take a back-seat and let them take the lead? How does your style of co-piloting change when you are experiencing stress? Do you tend to go to one or other of the extremes above? Think of your child/children. Does he or she tend to need your support to down-regulate? That is, if they are distressed or excited, do they rely on you to help calm them? What kind of situations do they need this in? Does he or she need your help to up-regulate? That is, do they need you to encourage them or provide the energy or motivation to do things they are reluctant to do? What kind of situations do they need this in? What situations do you find yourself co-escalating (increasing your child’s distress unintentionally)? What things might you do or say that despite your best intentions escalate distress? For more practical tips on co-regulation, go to the blog: ‘The gym: a surprising place to reflect on parenting’

Finding moments to move from manager to coach in parenting. I go to the gym, and whilst I am there I can’t help but notice the personal trainers working with their clients. They have mastered the skill of supporting their clients through the pain of improving their health and fitness. They do an excellent job of guiding their clients, working out what their zone of tolerance is for different exercises so that they are doing work that is just hard enough to be challenging, but not so hard that they get injured or give up. They provide encouragement and support. Pay attention to what their client is doing and give valuable feedback, positively. The personal trainer is not doing his or her own workout at the same time. But they take their health very seriously, with workouts in their own protected time. They want to represent good role models to their clients. They don’t shout at their clients or berate them for how slow or weak they are. They encourage and motivate them, pushing them just hard enough. They up-regulate them: “Come on you can do this – just a bit faster” or if things are getting too much, they slow things down and down-regulate them: “Let’s take a break, let you get your breath back and do some stretching”. They also notice and validate how their client is feeling “Gosh, I can see this is hurting, but you are doing amazing; you are putting so much effort into this.” They are essentially the client’s guide and cheerleader. They are supporting them to tolerate the stress on their own body so that they can learn, build stronger muscles and grow in confidence. The more the client attends their sessions and participates, the stronger their health, muscles, confidence and skills will grow. Eventually, they won’t need their personal trainer anymore. They will have learned enough to workout on their own, and use the skills and positive self-talk they have experienced with their personal trainer. I imagined a personal trainer who didn’t pay attention, perhaps got preoccupied with doing their own workout, who got cross with me when I wasn’t doing as well as they thought I should be, made me do exercises which were outside of my comfort zone and perhaps meant I injured a muscle. I would not progress and I would likely give up. This analogy struck me because as parents we often forgot our role as coaches to our children. We may find ourselves getting stuck in the trap of disgruntled managers (organising family life, planning and keeping things on track). As I sat there sweating on the exercise bike, I reflected how often when my children are struggling with something, I am the terrible personal trainer – preoccupied, not paying attention, focused on what they are not getting right – telling them off. Typically, this happens because I am trying to juggle a million things, which means focusing on their needs at that moment becomes impossible. Sadly, it is likely in precisely these moments of high distress or emotion, my children actually need my help most, my availability most; they need me as guide and cheerleader to help them tolerate their distress and get back in a zone where they can feel more contained. Unlike a personal trainer, the challenge as a parent is the 24/7 nature of the role. We don’t get to spend an hour with a motivated client who has turned up at the gym to ‘improve’. And if we did, when they come to the session, the role is very clear and protected (unlike parenting where we essentially have to do the job of personal trainer whilst running the gym, doing a workout, cleaning the equipment, breaking up a fight over gym equipment, and running the café!) So, rather compassionately, as I walked towards the water station to refill my bottle, I figured if I focus on giving my child my full undivided (personal trainer/coach) attention – at key important points for them – this might really help give my child the experience of feeling my full support with facing the things they find difficult and celebrating their success (no matter how small the goal). I find the manager role hard as a parent. Finding more time to step out of manager role and into coach role, especially with my teenagers, could improve my experience of being a parent, as well as my children’s experience of me. I am going to try it when I get home.

A little while back, my then 8-year-old son’s school phoned to let me know he had got into a fight at lunchtime, hurt another child and had refused to apologise. I was shocked, embarrassed, worried what the other parent would think and if the child was hurt, and angry with him. Later that night, when we were both calm and playing a card game he likes, I decided to put aside my desire to tell him all the reasons he shouldn’t have done what he did and get into his world. Understand what had happened and why, to help us consider what next (he had said he wasn’t going back to school tomorrow). He described the school fight incident and how another boy had been saying mean things and ruining a game of football for him and his friends during lunch-break. Because the other boy wouldn’t stop, my son exploded and hit him. Recounting the story I could see his distress and anger. I said kindly “It sounds like you were defending something that is important to you, playing with your friends, but it went wrong when you hurt the other boy?” He agreed. I could see that friendship, and the sense of being part of a group was important to him. His desire for acceptance. I asked him more about what it means to have good friends? To be part of his football team and his friendship group? The more he talked the more it became clear, this was one of the most important things to him. I then asked him about what makes a good friend in his mind - loyalty, having fun, being fair, saying sorry, getting each other, being a team – were all of his ideas. I said it made sense that he got so angry when someone else was doing something that felt against what was important to him. I asked if the way he responded, with a hit, followed his own views on good friends. He said “No.” I asked: “Does that make you feel worse or better in the long-run?” “Worse”, he said, “and now I don’t want to go back to school.” Me: “If you don’t go back to school will that solve the problem and help you have good friends and a sense of belonging?” Him: “No, I will feel more alone.” Me: “So what can you do tomorrow which helps you be a good friend and feel better about going back to school?” We then were able to come up with a plan together for the following day which involved an apology and a discussion with his teacher to consider ways he can walk away from situations where he might be being triggered, and if necessary get help from an adult. By sitting with and looking more closely at the feeling (anger, sadness, shame) we were able to trace the feeling back to a value and then help him (a) understand himself better, and (b) use this information to guide what he did next (reach out, apologise) – rather than just relying on the feeling on its own to inform what next (not go to school, fall out with friends). This approach is not about making excuses, but instead is about accountability.

When I was a child my dad used to read me Winnie-the-Pooh. There is a poem with the repeated line: “They’re changing the guard at Buckingham Palace Christoper Robin went down with Alice”. Never did I imagine that I would get an invitation to go to Buckingham Palace – and when I did – this is the line that popped into my head! Being nominated for an award like an MBE (Member of the British Empire) is strange. You immediately think it is a mistake, that someone has got it wrong. Then when it starts to sink in that this is not a mistake, it is real, you then move to guilt: “but what about all of the other people who have been part of what I have been doing which lead to this award?” Essentially, you don’t feel worthy. However, in the moment of collecting my MBE award for my job (which was considered an outstanding contribution to improving mental heath and wellbeing among young people) I was filled with a huge sense of pride and gratitude to be in this honoured position. The day of collecting my award was exciting. I drove down to Buckingham Palace with my three children in the car. My main anxiety would a road closure prevent us from getting there! My daughter was going to come with me into Buckingham Palace. My mum was meeting me outside so that my sons could go with her for a wander until the event was over. We then planned to meet with the rest of my family for afternoon tea to celebrate this occasion together. Driving to Buckingham Palace, rather than past Buckingham Palace was such a surreal moment. Parking my car outside the great black gates on the pink road whilst the Police checked it over, again felt special and added to the importance of the occasion. Strangely I felt excited that my car was getting the experience of driving into the grounds of Buckingham Palace and would get to park in the Royal Quadrangle. As my daughter and I walked across the gravel into the entrance we have seen on the news, in films and on The Crown, I had to keep pinching myself to check it was all real. Waiting for the award, amongst other people who had all done remarkable things, my daughter and I took it all in: the grandeur, the smaller more normal details (like the fact that there was Andrex toilet roll in the toilets!) The Duke of Cambridge was presenting the awards in the Throne room. We waited our turn. My daughter went and stood next to a member of the royal household, whilst I stepped forward to collect my award. What Prince William said, what I said, I simply cannot remember. But I was struck by how tall and handsome he was, the kindness in his face and the genuine interest in the work I had completed which had led to this moment. It was a long-short 2-minutes of my life and one I will not forget. As my daughter and I left the room and walked down the main gallery with my medal on my jacket I felt that slightly sinking feeling when something you have been looking forward to ends. We collected the box and visited the Buckingham Palace toilets (for what might be the last time as guests in our lives) and headed out for photographs. That afternoon I met with my family and we had an incredible afternoon tea at the Dorchester. It felt so wonderful to be around the people who have supported and loved me whilst I have been so preoccupied with my work. I cherished every moment and if I could do it all again I would. That night as I fell asleep, I hoped this achievement, the recognition and the special day would remind my children, that anything is possible. Follow your heart. Do what you are passionate about, and in doing so if you are able to help others and make a difference all the better.